Waiting

So, I thought that Monday was going to be the day. Then I was certain it was going to happen Tuesday. But no, it's going to be today... I'm just sure of it. C'mon girls... no pressure or anything.

The great question

So, everyone keeps asking me when the babies are going to arrive. I wish I had an answer, but one thing I have DEFINITELY learned during this pregnancy is that you can't plan for anything. Okay, well, you can plan, but you better have a plan B, C, D, E, F and G.

So, I am going to turn the question back on you - when do YOU think the babies will come? We're placing bets now... Here is some information to level the playing field:

- My official 40 week due date is December 10.
- Most twins come early and most doctors want twins delivered by 38 weeks (November 26). My doctor suggested inducing if they don't come by Thanksgiving.
- My last appointment was last Wednesday. I was one day shy of 36 weeks, 80% effaced and 1 cm dilated.
- I am a Leo, my husband is a Pisces and the girls will be Scorpios if delivered before November 21, Sagittarius if delivered on or after... (only relevant to those who are a little kooky, like my mom, sister and me).

Place your bets now! Don't forget to include the day and two times (Baby A and Baby B)...

Body Changes Part 1

My next blog is going to describe in detail the changes that I have seen in my body over the past 35 weeks. I was about to finish it and post it and then thought of the old saying, "a picture tells a thousand words" and decided to post this:

No... this is not a still shot from Shallow Hal, this is a picture of my ankles (or lack thereof, otherwise known as cankles) after an event last week. So sexy!

Stating the Obvious

One thing I've learned during my pregnancy is that I'm not a fan of modern doctors. It seems like whenever I tell them about something that's bothering me, they write me a prescription. I think it's so funny to hear "When diet and exercise fail, take (insert pill here)". Well, it's not diet and exercise that fail... it's people who fail at diet and exercise. Constipation? Here - take this stool softener. Leg Cramps? Tylenol is fine to take. Delivery pains? Here's your epidural.

Now before I continue on this blog I want to make one small disclaimer. I do not judge anyone for the decisions that they make during pregnancy/labor/delivery. Everyone is entitled to their own experience, whatever that may be. And, I know that you can't even attempt to plan any little bit of your pregnancy/labor/delivery and that all my "birth preferences" may fly out of the window as soon as I start labor.

With that being said, I would like my experience to be as natural and drug-free as possible. Its a personal choice and one that I feel strongly about. Before I knew I was carrying twins, Damon and I had already chosen a birth center to deliver. I have always liked the idea of a water birth and while he had issues with possible floating poop in the tub, he did really enjoy the environment and agreed this was the place to bring our child into the world.

Then... things changed for us when we saw two little ones on that first ultrasound. Twin pregnancy automatically put me into the high-risk category and meant I had to (legally and for insurance purposes) deliver at a hospital. I had been going to the same OBGYN for years and while I liked her enough to violate me once a year, I wasn't sure how comfortable I was with her delivering my babies. So, I reached out to my local friends to get recommendations for good OBs.

We decided to meet each one for an "interview" of sorts and then see which one we connected best with. Funny thing? Doctors are NOT used to being "interviewed". Some seemed almost offended that I wouldn't just automatically choose their practice. Some were cut from my list just because of their rude staff. I don't consider myself a "high-maintenance" person, but I wasn't willing to deal with an unhappy employee throughout the rest of my pregnancy, especially with my out of whack hormones.

But my favorite interview was with one particular doctor. The interview started off well enough, she seemed friendly enough and we seemed to connect with her. Then we began asking questions regarding her thoughts of twin birth. I told her that it was important for me to try to have the twins naturally and she stared at me with a blank expression. "I understand the risks (blah blah blah) and that there is a 50/50 chance that the twins will be delivered by C-section, depending on what happens throughout my pregnancy, but I would like to prepare for a natural birth..." I continued.

She looked at me like I had three heads and said slowly, "Childbirth is really painful."

Seriously? Wow. I was really glad she told me that. I can't believe I hadn't heard that before - I mean, what did I almost get myself into?

I was floored. That's like telling someone who is training for a marathon that running really sucks - only that person doing the telling is the physical trainer.

Needless to say, we didn't end up with her. After a couple more visits with my original OBGYN, we realized that she was the one to deliver our babies. She's blunt enough to tell me that "Yeah (and she'd probably even throw a "sh*t yeah" in there), childbirth is painful." but she'd follow it up with a "but women have been doing it drug free for centuries and you can too."

20-Week Dr Visit: Part 3, The Real Deal

Before I start part 3 of the story, I just want to say how truly amazed I am at all of the overwhelming support given to us by our friends, family and complete strangers during this time. I just returned from a conference where I had no access to my blog (ack!) to see 21 comments to my last post… 19 from people I had never met before! I read them this morning with tears streaming down my face. I am overcome with emotions at the beautiful words of encouragement and complete kindness of strangers. Thank you, thank you, thank you. We have found solace knowing that we are not in this alone.


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Our heads were spinning as we left the hospital. I called my work to let them know that I wasn’t going to be able to make it back that afternoon. I wasn’t ready to face all of the smiling, inquisitive folks who just wanted to know the sexes of the two little ones growing inside of me. I wasn’t prepared to answer. In fact, the last news given to us completely trumped the fact that we were having two little girls. We didn’t send out a massive text… we didn’t post updates to facebook… we didn’t call all of our friends and family to tell them the good news… we just weren’t up for any chatting at that point.

After a very silent, uncomfortable lunch at our favorite diner, we went home to process the information. We went back and forth about our options and our feelings on having a child with Down syndrome. I think we talked through all 5 stages of grief that night. At one point, I went into the shower to find some solitude and allow myself to experience every emotion I needed to. I cried to God and prayed for him to give me two healthy little girls without Down syndrome. Then I cursed myself for being so selfish and thinking that way. I was disappointed in myself and ashamed that I didn’t want a child with any disabilities. Because I work with adults with disabilities, I thought “I outta know better” and should completely embrace the news. I thought “I know that a diagnosis of Down syndrome is not a death sentence and that plenty of people live full and happy lives with it. I know that people with Down syndrome are beautiful, loving people who enrich the lives of others. And I know that the relationship that Damon and I have is more solid than stone and that we would be incredible parents with lots of love to give to a special needs child.”

Then the pendulum swung the other way and I again begged God not to have a child with Down syndrome. It took me sleeping on it and a lot of praying that night to calm down and accept the possibility. I also started to feel better about my odds and decided to focus on the positive.

We’ve decided not to do any genetic testing. To us, it doesn’t matter if one of our babies has any birth defects. We would still have her, raise her and love her unconditionally.

We did, however, decide to have my blood tested to get a more accurate “risk” result. The chemical levels in my blood actually decreased the risk for the babies. Baby B now has a 1 in 620 chance and Baby A’s risk has gone down to 1 in 80.

Worry, fear and doubt still creep into my head every once in awhile, but I try to push them out and focus on the positive. Worrying about it won’t change anything, fear won’t make things better and doubt won’t allow me to be excited that I am having two precious little girls. So when I start feeling down, I just go out and buy them something adorable. There’s a lot to be said for retail therapy.

20-Week Dr Visit: Part 2, The Bad News

(suggestion: read Part 1, the blog below, first)

I unrolled the massive pile of pictures and spread them across Damon and myself so we could both view. We stared in awe at our little girls. Some of the pictures were so incredibly clear that we could make out the little details in their faces! I looked at Damon and he was white. “I feel like I’m going to throw up.” He said. “I know.” I agreed, trying my hardest to remain calm.

Dr. Chang entered the room followed by Julie and introduced himself to us. His tone was very serious and he didn’t waste any time. The ultrasounds revealed an echogenic focus (a white spot) on each of the babies’ hearts. While the echogenic focus alone did not indicate a heart condition, it was a “marker” for Down syndrome. My jaw dropped. I looked at Damon who was staring intently at the floor.

Trying not to jump to conclusions, I asked him what that meant. He told us that there were medical studies that suggested that there was a correlation between finding the echogenic focus on an ultrasound and the baby having a genetic disorder. Once they saw the white spots, they then looked for other markers on the babies, Baby B had no other markers but with the echogenic focus, her chance of having Down syndrome went from 1/760 (based on my age) to 1/420.

Okay I can live with that, I thought… but what about our other little girl. “And Baby A?” we asked…

Baby A had two other markers he told us. Her head to femur (upper leg bone) ratio as well as head to humerus (upper arm bone) was low. With the echogenic focus and these two other markers, her chance of having Down syndrome went up to 1/55.

I stared back at him in shock. Are you serious? We just had this incredible experience of watching our babies interact with one another in the womb, we just learned that we are having two little beautiful girls and you are going to drop this on us? Totally not fair. I don't even want to hear it!

I pushed the emotional part of me down as far as I could which only left room for the logical to emerge. I bombarded him with questions, trying to make sense of what he was telling us. The only thing was that I had a hard time of listening to a word he was saying. I tried my hardest, but my mind was racing and the truth is, I really didn’t want to hear what he was saying.

The next thing I realized, we had been swept into another office and were now sitting across from a Genetic Counselor listening to her spout out facts, medical terminology and numbers. We kept asking questions, trying to make sense of it all.

What does this mean? Does Baby A have Down syndrome? There's a 1 in 55 chance she does. Is that high? It's a 1 in 55 chance. Well, that's like 2% right? Yes. Could it be a false positive? It's a 1 in 55 chance, which is not 100 percent positive.

We had previously declined to take the 18 week blood test (that tested for Downs, Spinal Bifida and a few other genetic disorders) for fear of this very thing. If it was only going to tell us what our babies' risks were and not give us a concrete answer, we didn't want to know. Why put yourself through that worry during your pregnancy? But here we were anyway. Worrying away.

The only way to know for sure, she told us, is to have an amniocentesis (a process where they draw fluid from the amnitic sac and test the babies' DNA for genetic abnormalities). This test would give us a concrete answer, but guess what? There was a 1 in 200 (or so) risk of miscarriage following the test. More numbers...

This is not the way this appointment was supposed to go! This is not the way I had planned my pregnancy to be! We wanted as little medical involvement as possible and now it seemed like we couldn't get away from it!

She was completely factual and rational and I resented her for it. I needed someone to hold me and tell me it was going to be alright. I needed to get out of that office.

Damon and I quickly wrapped up the visit saying we needed to discuss our options and would call her to let her know what we decided.

Half-way there!

Today I am officially 20 weeks - we have hit the half-way mark! The babies celebrated by letting Daddy feel them move for the first time! It was pretty cool.

So, here are a couple thoughts about being pregnant so far...

Things I love about being pregnant:
1. The attention. Seriously, I can't get enough. What can I say, I'm a leo.
2. The belly touching. I know, weird. But I love it when people touch my belly because I feel like they are sending love to my babies. They better do it now, because I don't think I'm going to like strangers touching my babies. I'd rather them do it while they are protected by my belly.
3. Feeling the babies move. It's just so incredible and makes me smile every time.
4. Fudgesicles. Enough said.

Things I dislike about being pregnant:
1. The gas. It's bad. No, really. I'm like a 13-year old boy.
2. Feeling my boobs rest on my stomach when I slouch. Especially when I get out of the shower. It's just unnatural and makes me cringe. At least it reminds me to sit up straight.

That's about it. I gotta say, the whole experience has been pretty cool so far...

The Waiting Game

One thing I have learned about pregnancy from both my own experience and the dozens of my friends that are either pregnant or have recently had a child, is that there is a lot of waiting during a pregnancy. Waiting for the plus sign, waiting for the first doctor's appointment, waiting to feel movement, waiting to give birth, waiting to have another drink...

While I am enjoying (almost) every minute of being pregnant, I feel as though we are doing a lot of waiting. Right now, everything feels like it's on hold until we find out the sexes of the babies. Our 3D ultrasound is scheduled for next Tuesday, so it's not too much longer, but I wanna know now! :)

Daddy and I have a strong feeling about what we are going to have, but we can't wait to know for sure! Any guesses?

Tomorrow we'll be 20 weeks along, so here's a belly pic to celebrate. The picture was taken last week and I swear it's grown an inch or so since. I'll start measuring...

Premonitions or Mother's Instinct?

Three days before that little stick changed my life, I had a really weird dream. It was the regular type of dream where I floated in and out of scenes, but one scene in particular was very vivid...

I was at a party with the wife of my company's IT manager. We were hungry, so we had snuck away from the folks we came with and found the buffet table. I remember being thrilled to be standing in front of this huge pile of fresh, delicious foods with her and we giggled like school girls. Then we saw it... A do-it-yourself fried banana pudding bar!

Now, I don't think I've ever tasted banana pudding before and I'm not the biggest fan of bananas. I do enjoy fried foods but more so the salty variety. But in my dream, I L-O-V-E-D fried banana pudding and we were in heaven in front of that bar.

Well, when I woke up, that part of the dream stuck in my head so when I got to work, I told the IT manager. He laughed it off. The next day, he told me that he told his wife (and mother of two) about the dream and she immediately said it was a "pregnant dream". The day after that I found out I was pregnant.

My mom came to visit me when I was 8 weeks pregnant - one week before my first appointment and before I knew there was more than one little baby growing inside of me. She was thrilled I was pregnant so she brought down an antique cradle that has been used in our family for three generations. I was thrilled it was being passed down to me and as we were unloading it from the car, I looked at it closely and said, "Oh, I can fit two babies in there."

Weird. (cue music from the twighlight zone)

Toxic Shock

I went to Barnes and Noble a few weeks ago to check out some baby books and ended up buying "The Complete Organic Pregnancy". I had flipped through some of the pages at the store and had a feeling I was getting into something intense, so on my way home, I stopped by the nail salon. I had glanced over the part about toxins in nail polish, so I wanted to make sure my feet were pedicured one last time before I really got into it. Hey... it's sandal season! I gots to make sure my toes are pretty!!!

As I read deeper into the book, I started to get more and more horrified. I looked around my house and all I saw were toxins - toxins seeping out from the carpet. Toxins floating in the stagnant air. Toxins penetrating into my skin from all of the chemicals I willingly apply each and every day. Toxins oozing from a plastic cup into the water I was drinking. Toxins engrossing the food that I eat - pesticides in the vegetables, growth hormones in the meat. I wanted to scrub myself in the shower, but what about the chemicals I use to clean my tub? What about the chemicals in my soap and shampoo? It was useless. I felt overwhelmed and beaten.

So I grabbed up my canvas bags and hightailed to Whole Foods. Over $250 later, I emerged feeling a little cleaner and a little more hopeful. My organic milk may not taste as good as regular milk, my organic cleaners may not get all the grime off the counter, my organic face lotion may not help reduce fine lines like my other face lotion and my pocketbook may not be as full as it used to be, but buying organic gives me peace of mind that I am doing what I can to limit the toxic intake to my babies. And that, my friends, is priceless.